MY SAILOR’S MOUTH IS SHOWING!!!
Yesterday was a mess… in my head. I couldn’t even sort things long enough to write them out. Two good things happened yesterday though. I’ll get to those in a minute.
I felt like I lost control yesterday which in my case doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. I dropped my gf off at the airport yesterday. She went home for the week. I had loosely mentioned about my codependency and paranoid before but this is where it comes into play. It goes like this:
I dropped my girlfriend off at the airport in the morning. She’s only leaving for a week but I’m overcome with saddness. I cry and I hold onto her tightly,
“it’s only a week..” she says.
But that really doesn’t matter to me. I drive off and burst into tears and thoughts just come flooding in, think the shining with the rushing blood in the hallways, I think about how she’s going to be back home without me. How she’s going to go to the beach or San Francisco or Berkeley or any of the other places we’d go. How she didnt want me to go on this trip. I thought about all the things she’s going to be doing without me. Not at all about the reasons she actually went. She has her own issues I won’t get into, but she has her own thoughts that she needs to sort out. She’s really close to her family and they are/were a big part of her life and now they’re 1000 miles away. We lived a drive away from the ocean before… something that could instantly take our trouble away… we don’t have that here. She need a break from us and our problems. We’d never really taken time apart and I know it’s needed. I put a lot on her with my issues and insecurities and I don’t necessarily know the toll it’s taking on her. I don’t think about these things. I automatically jump to it’s about me.
I go to work and I constantly check my phone… Its always in the back of my mind but yet I’m also telling myself to be cool! Just be cool!! PLEASE JUST BE FUCKING COOL!!! She calls me when she gets to Portland and asks me about her bags. I’m instantly annoyed because that was her concern while still telling myself to just be a good girlfriend and care about what’s worrying her. We get off the phone I finish my client I go home for lunch… here is where it gets a little worse.
I get home and I get a text from her saying she landed and I just say ok. She gets upset because she knows I’m upset and we leave it at that I start to look on social media and I see that a girl from my girlfriend’s past had said something about Friday.. I lose my fucking shit. Mind you she just landed.. I text her give her about 3 mins to answer me then I call her. She had just got in the car (awesome timing I know) and I ask her about it. Why didn’t she tell me? You didn’t think it would make me uncomfortable? I didn’t get why she was hiding it. Even though she said she wasn’t hiding it which is probably the case. We hang up and we go about our day. I instantly know I fucked up. LIKE WHY CANT I JUST LET SHIT GO!
Fast forward to about 8pm. She texts me and asks me if I was ok and I said not really. Which was true my anxiety was terrible all day I was nauseous and had no appetite even though I hadn’t eaten all day and it was mixed emotions causing me anxiety. I was mad at myself for flipping out and I know she was upset I flipped out. I literally argued with the minute she landed. I was so mad at myself. She calls me and it’s kind of awkward. Mostly because I miss her and she needs time. I’m sad I’m not there and she’s mixed. And the elephant in the room.. her ex hookup. She says I don’t trust her and that’s not it! She has never ever done anything to me to make me not trust her. She has treated me with love and respect and is showing me what that means. My insecurities come from my past and in no way reflect the type of person she is and this is why it’s so unfair to her. I know in my heart she would never do that to me but another part of me tells me to never say never. She didn’t call me to argue she called me to just talk to see how the day went. We both want this to help our relationship get back to a healthy place, I just need to allow it to do so.
This is where I realize that I don’t have control of this situation, I don’t really have control of any situation that isn’t mine alone. That’s the first good thing that happened to me. I have started to accept that I actually cannot control everything. I have to have faith that I am with someone who loves me and respects me and our relationship enough to not do thing to damage what we have built. She isn’t my ex and she does not deserve to be treated as if she has done something wrong. The Universe has a plan and a path and I have to trust this process.
The second positive thing that happened was I located a therapist that I’m excited to work with. It’s a step in the right direction and that’s what keeps me going. The hope that there is light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.
Let’s hope today was better than yesterday