MONDAY MORNING MUMBLES:
Something else I should tell myself everyday. I waste so much time dwelling on things that really, in the big picture, don’t matter that I can never just be chill. I don’t know how to let things go and not just word vomit all over the damn place. Then I try to backtrack after the damage has been done and a little damage everytime eventually turns into a big problem.
I guess the bright side is, I start therapy today. I’m hopeful. This is the first time, in my years of broken up sessions of therapy, that I am 100% hopeful that I can have a normal life with normal relationships. I am 100% hopeful that I can be put back together in a way that I’m whole but yet not unbroken. I can only have faith in myself and have faith in my mind that I can allow myself to life a happy healthy life that isn’t consumed by negativity and worry.
My anxiety is through the roof. My mind is racing. I’m nauseous. That’s how my evening is going.
One thing you’re going to get to know about me is that when things happen that set me off, I have to give it a couple days before I vent. I have a problem with sugar coating when things happen because I want to convince myself things aren’t that bad. With that being said, let me back track to Tuesday, when my girlfriend got home. It wasn’t what I had hoped for even in the slightest. She quite honestly was over it, over our problems and didn’t really want anything to do with it. She was tired of fighting and I didn’t blame her. Without getting into details, we decided we needed to take a break. We both know that we don’t want to lose each other and that we love and want to try to repair the damage but at the same time this relationship has consumed our lives. We need to have separate lives to be able to be happy together. Well.. as you probably already know.. it set my codependency off like no other. My mind automatically went to her finding someone else or her having a good time with other people and not me. I don’t want to be left out. Period. I want to experience everything with her and it’s suffocating and not the norm I know but that’s where my mental illness goes. She wants time to herself and I shouldn’t fault her but that’s where my mind goes. Why doesn’t she want to hang out with me? Why does she want to spend so much time away from me? But it’s normal for her to want these things.. yesterday and today for example, I get off at 7 she gets off at 4. She went to go hangout after work and it through me into a ball of nauseating anxiety. She said it’s not going to be a daily things but here we are making it daily. Why wouldn’t she tell me what she was doing? What is she hiding?…. Why… WHY?! Why do I do this to myself… why can’t I just be ok!!!
“I AM STRONGER THAN MY MENTAL ILLNESS”
I repeat this to myself at least 30x a day. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t. I go over conversations that could come up and try to talk myself into being ok… But it never turns out that way. It’s really hard for me to express my feelings and the things that go through my head when these situations come up. It normally doesn’t make any sense in my head anyway and it’s just the same shit on repeat.
My hope is that people who don’t have to live with mental illness keep in mind that these aren’t things that we can control alone and sometimes we don’t always have the means to keep it in check. Believe me, if we could, life would be a lot easier. We are in a constant battle with ourselves and the last thing we want is to drag you into our chaos. Thank you for loving us through our fight.
This week was good… no it was ok… I was scared but it went by relatively quick. I’m still scared though. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop my mind from ruining things. I’m scared that I won’t be able to change my mindset for the better. I’m scared that she won’t stand by my side as I fix myself. There’s my codependency talking.. I guess only time will tell… until then I will have to save mysef from my mind.
I am stronger than my mental illness. I have to keep telling myself that. At least until I start therapy at the beginning of June. That’s what I’m looking forward to. I’m looking forward to talking to someone who has no idea who I am and who my girlfriend is. Someone totally unbiased. I want to get better and I recognize my problems as they are. The rest of my mind is a tangled mess of matter that I don’t necessarily feel like untangling at the moment so I’ll let those be but THERAPY … I see you loud and clear. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for an appointment before.