Choose your battles 

MONDAY MORNING MUMBLES:
Something else I should tell myself everyday. I waste so much time dwelling on things that really, in the big picture, don’t matter that I can never just be chill. I don’t know how to let things go and not just word vomit all over the damn place. Then I try to backtrack after the damage has been done and a little damage everytime eventually turns into a big problem.

I guess the bright side is, I start therapy today. I’m hopeful. This is the first time, in my years of broken up sessions of therapy, that I am 100% hopeful that I can have a normal life with normal relationships. I am 100% hopeful that I can be put back together in a way that I’m whole but yet not unbroken. I can only have faith in myself and have faith in my mind that I can allow myself to life a happy healthy life that isn’t consumed by negativity and worry.

Today was not a good day…

My anxiety is through the roof. My mind is racing. I’m nauseous. That’s how my evening is going.

One thing you’re going to get to know about me is that when things happen that set me off, I have to give it a couple days before I vent. I have a problem with sugar coating when things happen because I want to convince myself things aren’t that bad.  With that being said, let me back track to Tuesday, when my girlfriend got home. It wasn’t what I had hoped for even in the slightest. She quite honestly was over it, over our problems and didn’t really want anything to do with it. She was tired of fighting and I didn’t blame her. Without getting into details, we decided we needed to take a break. We both know that we don’t want to lose each other and that we love and want to try to repair the damage but at the same time this relationship has consumed our lives. We need to have separate lives to be able to be happy together. Well.. as you probably already know.. it set my codependency off like no other. My mind automatically went to her finding someone else or her having a good time with other people and not me. I don’t want to be left out. Period. I want to experience everything with her and it’s suffocating and not the norm I know but that’s where my mental illness goes. She wants time to herself and I shouldn’t fault her but that’s where my mind goes. Why doesn’t she want to hang out with me? Why does she want to spend so much time away from me? But it’s normal for her to want these things.. yesterday and today for example, I get off at 7 she gets off at 4. She went to go hangout after work and it through me into a ball of nauseating anxiety. She said it’s not going to be a daily things but here we are making it daily. Why wouldn’t she tell me what she was doing? What is she hiding?…. Why… WHY?! Why do I do this to myself… why can’t I just be ok!!!

I AM STRONGER THAN MY MENTAL ILLNESS”

I repeat this to myself at least 30x a day. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t. I go over conversations that could come up and try to talk myself into being ok… But it never turns out that way. It’s really hard for me to express my feelings and the things that go through my head when these situations come up. It normally doesn’t make any sense in my head anyway and it’s just the same shit on repeat.

My hope is that people who don’t have to live with mental illness keep in mind that these aren’t things that we can control alone and sometimes we don’t always have the means to keep it in check. Believe me, if we could, life would be a lot easier. We are in a constant battle with ourselves and the last thing we want is to drag you into our chaos. Thank you for loving us through our fight.

One week. 

This week was good… no it was ok… I was scared but it went by relatively quick. I’m still scared though. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop my  mind from ruining things. I’m scared that I won’t be able to change my mindset for the better. I’m scared that she won’t stand by my side as I fix myself. There’s my codependency talking.. I guess only time will tell… until then I will have to save mysef from my mind.

faith>control and not in the religious sense

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•••DISCLAIMER•••

MY SAILOR’S MOUTH IS SHOWING!!!

Yesterday was a mess… in my head. I couldn’t even sort things long enough to write them out. Two good things happened yesterday though. I’ll get to those in a minute.

I felt like I lost control yesterday which in my case doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. I dropped my gf off at the airport yesterday. She went home for the week. I had loosely mentioned about my codependency and paranoid before but this is where it comes into play. It goes like this:

I dropped my girlfriend off at the airport in the morning. She’s only leaving for a week but I’m overcome with saddness. I cry and I hold onto her tightly,

“it’s only a week..” she says.

But that really doesn’t matter to me. I drive off and burst into tears and thoughts just come flooding in, think the shining with the rushing blood in the hallways, I think about how she’s going to be back home without me. How she’s going to go to the beach or San Francisco or Berkeley or any of the other places we’d go. How she didnt want me to go on this trip. I thought about all the things she’s going to be doing without me.  Not at all about the reasons she actually went. She has her own issues I won’t get into, but she has her own thoughts that she needs to sort out. She’s really close to her family and they are/were a big part of her life and now they’re 1000 miles away. We lived a drive away from the ocean before… something that could instantly take our trouble away… we don’t have that here. She need a break from us and our problems. We’d never really taken time apart and I know it’s needed. I put a lot on her with my issues and insecurities and I don’t necessarily know the toll it’s taking on her. I don’t think about these things. I automatically jump to it’s about me.

I go to work and I constantly check my phone… Its always in the back of my mind but yet I’m also telling myself to be cool! Just be cool!! PLEASE JUST BE FUCKING COOL!!! She calls me when she gets to Portland and asks me about her bags. I’m instantly annoyed because that was her concern while still telling myself to just be a good girlfriend and care about what’s worrying her. We get off the phone I finish my client I go home for lunch… here is where it gets a little worse.

I get home and I get a text from her saying she landed and I just say ok. She gets upset because she knows I’m upset and we leave it at that I start  to look on social media and I see that a girl from my girlfriend’s past had said something about Friday.. I lose my fucking shit. Mind you she just landed.. I text her give her about 3 mins to answer me then I call her. She had just got in the car (awesome timing I know) and I ask her about it. Why didn’t she tell me? You didn’t think it would make me uncomfortable? I didn’t get why she was hiding it. Even though she said she wasn’t hiding it which is probably the case. We hang up and we go about our day. I instantly know I fucked up. LIKE WHY CANT I JUST LET SHIT GO!

Fast forward to about 8pm. She texts me and asks me if I was ok and I said not really. Which was true my anxiety was terrible all day I was nauseous and had no appetite even though I hadn’t eaten all day and it was mixed emotions causing me anxiety. I was mad at myself for flipping out and I know she was upset I flipped out. I literally argued with the minute she landed. I was so mad at myself. She calls me and it’s kind of awkward. Mostly because I miss her and she needs time. I’m sad I’m not there and she’s mixed. And the elephant in the room.. her ex hookup. She says I don’t trust her and that’s not it! She has never ever done anything to me to make me not trust her. She has treated me with love and respect and is showing me what that means. My insecurities come from my past and in no way reflect the type of person she is and this is why it’s so unfair to her. I know in my heart she would never do that to me but another part of me tells me to never say never. She didn’t call me to argue she called me to just talk to see how the day went. We both want this to help our relationship get back to a healthy place, I just need to allow it to do so.

This is where I realize that I don’t have control of this situation, I don’t really have control of any situation that isn’t mine alone. That’s the first good thing that happened to me. I have started to accept that I actually cannot control everything. I have to have faith that I am with someone who loves me and respects me and our relationship enough to not do thing to damage what we have built. She isn’t my ex and she does not deserve to be treated as if she has done something wrong. The Universe has a plan and a path and I have to trust this process.

The second positive thing that happened was I located a therapist that I’m excited to work with. It’s a step in the right direction and that’s what keeps me going. The hope that there is light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.

Let’s hope today was better than yesterday

🖤

 

The mess inside my head

Happy Saturday!

I had mentioned that I had wrote a piece describing what it’s like living with my invisible mental illness for a friend and I thought that if the whole reason behind this blog was that essay I should probably share it, so here it is..

Imagine your in a room with people you know and love. Everyone INCLUDING YOU is laughing and having a great time. But unbeknownst to all the people in this room, your mentally drowning. Your chest is tight, you can hardly catch your breath, your clammy and the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Your thought process is something like this..

“there are so many people here… Why am I even here…they invited you.. I bet these people don’t even notice I’m here.. no one actually wants you to be here… why did my girlfriend just walk away.. she must be mad at me or maybe she thinks that that other girl is more attractive.. no she’d never do that to you… are you crazy everyone will hurt you..no no NO”

That’s been my life for the past 10 years. I was diagnosed with high functioning depression and anxiety along with a stress induced eating disorder right about the age of 22. On the exterior I seem like my life is for the most part together but in my head my life is constantly falling apart. I live with constant doubt of myself, distrust of others, layered with loss of appetite sprinkled with paranoia on the daily. My mind makes me think that everyone including my loved ones are against me or in constant judgment of me and my decisions. I’m constantly unsure of myself and come off as bitchy and unapproachable but in reality I’m just trying to get through whatever is going on I my head at the time. I’ve told myself for years that these are my problems and my problems alone and not to burden others with them. So I go to work and make face with my clients and I pretend that nothing’s wrong and for the most part I’ve gotten good at hiding it. I joke with coworkers and laugh and carry on but but I’m dying inside. When I get home it all wakes back up and I’m once again flooding with anxiety and worry. Even though my work day seems to go smoothly, there’s not a moment in my day where my stomach isn’t constantly in knots, my mind isn’t clouded and I’m not internally trembling. In romantic relationships, my mind constantly goes to mistrust and being left out.
“Why doesn’t she want me around?… is she doing something she doesn’t want me to know?.. why is she being so distant?”
I constantly ask if they’re ok or ask what’s wrong and it normally and quite understandably drives them nuts. I’m notorious for self sabotaging my relationships which would otherwise be happy. I’m a ball of insecurity and low self esteem and the most fucked up part… is that I know that these thoughts are completely made up and crazy!!!

The few people that do know my struggle often ask why I don’t “vent” or get it out. Would you want people to know the arguments that you have in your head with yourself? Would you want them to know that you constantly think the worst of yourself? Or that you make up scenarios in your head that includes them screwing you over or thinking the worst of you. Or even worse than that.. telling your peers and having them downplay your mental illness “oh yea I get anxiety too” “calm down” “it can’t be that bad” “just get over it”. Literally crushing words… if it were only that easy to just ‘get over it’ or ‘calm down’. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve died a little more inside every time those words are said to me. Most of the time these are things your ashamed about and don’t want people to know about because you don’t want that stigma of being “crazy” or “psycho” and its something I’ve been called many times in my life to the point of me agreeing because I don’t know what else to say, I can’t defend myself because to a certain extent I guess it’s true. I’m 32 years old and I have an INVISIBLE mental illness but it doesn’t define who I am it makes me that much stronger to fight the storms ahead of me.

Tbis was probably one of the scariest/relieving things I had ever written about. I had to be honest and vulnerable and I must admit it felt pretty good. It made it real. Always remember your struggle is your own and no one can tell you that it’s wrong or right. I hope you all the brightest weekend full of love and light!

🖤