Choose your battles 

MONDAY MORNING MUMBLES:
Something else I should tell myself everyday. I waste so much time dwelling on things that really, in the big picture, don’t matter that I can never just be chill. I don’t know how to let things go and not just word vomit all over the damn place. Then I try to backtrack after the damage has been done and a little damage everytime eventually turns into a big problem.

I guess the bright side is, I start therapy today. I’m hopeful. This is the first time, in my years of broken up sessions of therapy, that I am 100% hopeful that I can have a normal life with normal relationships. I am 100% hopeful that I can be put back together in a way that I’m whole but yet not unbroken. I can only have faith in myself and have faith in my mind that I can allow myself to life a happy healthy life that isn’t consumed by negativity and worry.

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One week. 

This week was good… no it was ok… I was scared but it went by relatively quick. I’m still scared though. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop my  mind from ruining things. I’m scared that I won’t be able to change my mindset for the better. I’m scared that she won’t stand by my side as I fix myself. There’s my codependency talking.. I guess only time will tell… until then I will have to save mysef from my mind.

Why so sad…

IMG_1606Good morning to you!

It’s a new week which means new beginnings. For me,  it’s a trigger. My girlfriend is leaving tomorrow to go back home for a week (we live in the PNW but we’re from California) and while this is a regular thing for most couples, my codependency rears its ugly head and turns it personal. In my head it goes like this

• it kills me she’s excited to leave me (in reality, she’s excited to see her family)

• I’m telling myself she doesn’t want me there (let’s be real we can’t afford to both be off work for a week)

•I don’t get why doesn’t she want to experience everything with me (there’s no way that’s physically possible).

I know that these things are ridiculous and I know what the realities are but my mind won’t stop. She even reassures me that what I’m thinking isn’t the truth (she knows about all these things).  I know that healthy relationships require space but it’s so hard to be ok with it even though I KNOW it’s normal… it’s so hard to let go of that control. I know what’s wrong and I know what needs to happen, I just don’t know how to get there. This week while she’s gone will be full of positive self care and rejuvenation! For me that looks like this:

• painting (it’s an amazing way to release energy and it’s super meditative)

• reading (it helps stop my mind from making things up. I just simply change my focus)

• be outdoors  (I live in WA it’s fucking beautiful!)

• chill with friends (I need to create a life outside of our relationship)

• RUBY! (My main gal! We will spend some serious QT this week!)

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Ruby aka Ruben aka Roo

Let’s hope her leaving goes smoothly! Wish me luck!

🖤