Choose your battles

MONDAY MORNING MUMBLES:
Something else I should tell myself everyday. I waste so much time dwelling on things that really, in the big picture, don’t matter that I can never just be chill. I don’t know how to let things go and not just word vomit all over the damn place. Then I try to backtrack after the damage has been done and a little damage everytime eventually turns into a big problem.

I guess the bright side is, I start therapy today. I’m hopeful. This is the first time, in my years of broken up sessions of therapy, that I am 100% hopeful that I can have a normal life with normal relationships. I am 100% hopeful that I can be put back together in a way that I’m whole but yet not unbroken. I can only have faith in myself and have faith in my mind that I can allow myself to life a happy healthy life that isn’t consumed by negativity and worry.

Today was not a good day…

My anxiety is through the roof. My mind is racing. I’m nauseous. That’s how my evening is going.

One thing you’re going to get to know about me is that when things happen that set me off, I have to give it a couple days before I vent. I have a problem with sugar coating when things happen because I want to convince myself things aren’t that bad.  With that being said, let me back track to Tuesday, when my girlfriend got home. It wasn’t what I had hoped for even in the slightest. She quite honestly was over it, over our problems and didn’t really want anything to do with it. She was tired of fighting and I didn’t blame her. Without getting into details, we decided we needed to take a break. We both know that we don’t want to lose each other and that we love and want to try to repair the damage but at the same time this relationship has consumed our lives. We need to have separate lives to be able to be happy together. Well.. as you probably already know.. it set my codependency off like no other. My mind automatically went to her finding someone else or her having a good time with other people and not me. I don’t want to be left out. Period. I want to experience everything with her and it’s suffocating and not the norm I know but that’s where my mental illness goes. She wants time to herself and I shouldn’t fault her but that’s where my mind goes. Why doesn’t she want to hang out with me? Why does she want to spend so much time away from me? But it’s normal for her to want these things.. yesterday and today for example, I get off at 7 she gets off at 4. She went to go hangout after work and it through me into a ball of nauseating anxiety. She said it’s not going to be a daily things but here we are making it daily. Why wouldn’t she tell me what she was doing? What is she hiding?…. Why… WHY?! Why do I do this to myself… why can’t I just be ok!!!

“I AM STRONGER THAN MY MENTAL ILLNESS”

I repeat this to myself at least 30x a day. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t. I go over conversations that could come up and try to talk myself into being ok… But it never turns out that way. It’s really hard for me to express my feelings and the things that go through my head when these situations come up. It normally doesn’t make any sense in my head anyway and it’s just the same shit on repeat.

My hope is that people who don’t have to live with mental illness keep in mind that these aren’t things that we can control alone and sometimes we don’t always have the means to keep it in check. Believe me, if we could, life would be a lot easier. We are in a constant battle with ourselves and the last thing we want is to drag you into our chaos. Thank you for loving us through our fight.

One week.

This week was good… no it was ok… I was scared but it went by relatively quick. I’m still scared though. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop my  mind from ruining things. I’m scared that I won’t be able to change my mindset for the better. I’m scared that she won’t stand by my side as I fix myself. There’s my codependency talking.. I guess only time will tell… until then I will have to save mysef from my mind.

I am the storm

I am stronger than my mental illness. I have to keep telling myself that. At least until I start therapy at the beginning of June. That’s what I’m looking forward to. I’m looking forward to talking to someone who has no idea who I am and who my girlfriend is. Someone totally unbiased. I want to get better and I recognize my problems as they are. The rest of my mind is a tangled mess of matter that I don’t necessarily feel like untangling at the moment so I’ll let those be but THERAPY … I see you loud and clear. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for an appointment before. 

faith>control and not in the religious sense

•••DISCLAIMER•••

MY SAILOR’S MOUTH IS SHOWING!!!

Yesterday was a mess… in my head. I couldn’t even sort things long enough to write them out. Two good things happened yesterday though. I’ll get to those in a minute.

I felt like I lost control yesterday which in my case doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. I dropped my gf off at the airport yesterday. She went home for the week. I had loosely mentioned about my codependency and paranoid before but this is where it comes into play. It goes like this:

I dropped my girlfriend off at the airport in the morning. She’s only leaving for a week but I’m overcome with saddness. I cry and I hold onto her tightly,

“it’s only a week..” she says.

But that really doesn’t matter to me. I drive off and burst into tears and thoughts just come flooding in, think the shining with the rushing blood in the hallways, I think about how she’s going to be back home without me. How she’s going to go to the beach or San Francisco or Berkeley or any of the other places we’d go. How she didnt want me to go on this trip. I thought about all the things she’s going to be doing without me.  Not at all about the reasons she actually went. She has her own issues I won’t get into, but she has her own thoughts that she needs to sort out. She’s really close to her family and they are/were a big part of her life and now they’re 1000 miles away. We lived a drive away from the ocean before… something that could instantly take our trouble away… we don’t have that here. She need a break from us and our problems. We’d never really taken time apart and I know it’s needed. I put a lot on her with my issues and insecurities and I don’t necessarily know the toll it’s taking on her. I don’t think about these things. I automatically jump to it’s about me.

I go to work and I constantly check my phone… Its always in the back of my mind but yet I’m also telling myself to be cool! Just be cool!! PLEASE JUST BE FUCKING COOL!!! She calls me when she gets to Portland and asks me about her bags. I’m instantly annoyed because that was her concern while still telling myself to just be a good girlfriend and care about what’s worrying her. We get off the phone I finish my client I go home for lunch… here is where it gets a little worse.

I get home and I get a text from her saying she landed and I just say ok. She gets upset because she knows I’m upset and we leave it at that I start  to look on social media and I see that a girl from my girlfriend’s past had said something about Friday.. I lose my fucking shit. Mind you she just landed.. I text her give her about 3 mins to answer me then I call her. She had just got in the car (awesome timing I know) and I ask her about it. Why didn’t she tell me? You didn’t think it would make me uncomfortable? I didn’t get why she was hiding it. Even though she said she wasn’t hiding it which is probably the case. We hang up and we go about our day. I instantly know I fucked up. LIKE WHY CANT I JUST LET SHIT GO!

Fast forward to about 8pm. She texts me and asks me if I was ok and I said not really. Which was true my anxiety was terrible all day I was nauseous and had no appetite even though I hadn’t eaten all day and it was mixed emotions causing me anxiety. I was mad at myself for flipping out and I know she was upset I flipped out. I literally argued with the minute she landed. I was so mad at myself. She calls me and it’s kind of awkward. Mostly because I miss her and she needs time. I’m sad I’m not there and she’s mixed. And the elephant in the room.. her ex hookup. She says I don’t trust her and that’s not it! She has never ever done anything to me to make me not trust her. She has treated me with love and respect and is showing me what that means. My insecurities come from my past and in no way reflect the type of person she is and this is why it’s so unfair to her. I know in my heart she would never do that to me but another part of me tells me to never say never. She didn’t call me to argue she called me to just talk to see how the day went. We both want this to help our relationship get back to a healthy place, I just need to allow it to do so.

This is where I realize that I don’t have control of this situation, I don’t really have control of any situation that isn’t mine alone. That’s the first good thing that happened to me. I have started to accept that I actually cannot control everything. I have to have faith that I am with someone who loves me and respects me and our relationship enough to not do thing to damage what we have built. She isn’t my ex and she does not deserve to be treated as if she has done something wrong. The Universe has a plan and a path and I have to trust this process.

The second positive thing that happened was I located a therapist that I’m excited to work with. It’s a step in the right direction and that’s what keeps me going. The hope that there is light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.

Let’s hope today was better than yesterday

🖤

 

Why so sad…

Good morning to you!

It’s a new week which means new beginnings. For me,  it’s a trigger. My girlfriend is leaving tomorrow to go back home for a week (we live in the PNW but we’re from California) and while this is a regular thing for most couples, my codependency rears its ugly head and turns it personal. In my head it goes like this

• it kills me she’s excited to leave me (in reality, she’s excited to see her family)

• I’m telling myself she doesn’t want me there (let’s be real we can’t afford to both be off work for a week)

•I don’t get why doesn’t she want to experience everything with me (there’s no way that’s physically possible).

I know that these things are ridiculous and I know what the realities are but my mind won’t stop. She even reassures me that what I’m thinking isn’t the truth (she knows about all these things).  I know that healthy relationships require space but it’s so hard to be ok with it even though I KNOW it’s normal… it’s so hard to let go of that control. I know what’s wrong and I know what needs to happen, I just don’t know how to get there. This week while she’s gone will be full of positive self care and rejuvenation! For me that looks like this:

• painting (it’s an amazing way to release energy and it’s super meditative)

• reading (it helps stop my mind from making things up. I just simply change my focus)

• be outdoors  (I live in WA it’s fucking beautiful!)

• chill with friends (I need to create a life outside of our relationship)

• RUBY! (My main gal! We will spend some serious QT this week!)

Ruby aka Ruben aka Roo

Let’s hope her leaving goes smoothly! Wish me luck!

🖤